Friday, September 15, 2006

Breaking News: Bush announces intent to "clarify" Holy Bible

In what they deemed their continuing efforts to protect Americans from terror, terrorists, and terrorism, the Bush administration announced today their intent to clarify and redefine the Holy Bible, beginning with the 10 Commandments.

George W. Bush said today that a certain section of the Bible, namely, common Commandment articles numbers 1 thru’ 10 - especially those that deal with the humane treatment of all human beings - is just too vague. He also said the commandments as they are written now place the America people in danger. He went on to say that secret adherence to his rewritten Bible has already thwarted 8 significant terrorist plots, including, projected victories by the Democratic Party in both the 2002 mid term election; and the 2004 general election. Bush said intelligence sources have already uncovered the beginnings of a similar plot in this year’s 2006 mid term election.

Former secretary of state, 4 star general Colin Powell said the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis for our fight against terrorism. "To change common commandment articles numbers 1 thru’ 10 would only add to those doubts, as well as put our troops at risk," Powell said.

But Bush fought back saying, “Today, the JAG - that’s the Jesus Advocate General - supported my proposal.” The JAG in question could not be reached for comment. His personal assistant told us he had gone searching for three relatively smooth tablets of stone; two for Bush to write his new common Commandment articles on; the third for the assistant to sculpt a replica of Bush’s commandment articles to place in his JAG's court room.

The resident in chief presented a draft of his proposed changes…

The first common Commandment article will now read; Thou shalt have no other Gods before GWB and any high priest in the GOP.

Common Commandment article #2 will now read; "There will be no further insults directed towards George W. Bush. Thou shalt not take his name, his incompetence, his ignorance, his arrogance or his criminality in vain."

The third common Commandment article will now read "Keep holy any day on which George W. Bush is president."

Common Commandment article #4 will now read "Honor thy father and they mother; unless of course, they give you advice that doesn’t suit your political agenda. In those cases, refer to a "higher parent."

Common Commandment article #5 will read "Thou shalt now kill with impunity and with regularity." (Don’t worry, if you attach it to terrorism, God will understand. And so will the old guy up in heaven.)

Common Commandment article #6 will read "Thou shalt not commit adultery unless of course you are a republican lawmaker and A) you are a former action film star and your wife is a Democrat; and B) if your wife is in the hospital with cancer and your intern has bigger boobs."

Common Commandment article #7 will now read "Thou shalt not steal, unless of course it is from the middle class and the poor and you turn said contraband over to some CEO who has no need for it at all."

Common Commandment article #8 will read "Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor, unless of course A) the truth will not garner the neighbor's support for such policies as the invasion and occupation of one of the richest oil countries in the Middle East; and B) if you are a republican and you wish to be elected.

Common Commandment article #9 will read "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife unless of course A) you are a former action film star and your wife is a Democrat; and B) if your wife is in the hospital with cancer and your intern has bigger boobs."

And finally, common Commandment article #10 will read "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Goods, unless of course your neighbor is A) a member of either the middle or lower class, B) a Democrat, or C) anyone who realizes how insane, lawless and criminal we are to want to clarify or redefine the law whenever political expediency and convenience demands we break it."

When George W. Bush was asked if he had consulted with his father on his proposed changes to the Holy Bible's premiere Commandments, he replied, “Who do you think told me to change them?" After pausing for a moment, he added "Oh… you meant my DAD? I thought you were talking about my "higher Father." Laff laff laff laff laff."

1 Comments:

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Frank

12:19 PM  

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